May 2012
64 posts
LEAPING BUILDINGS
I want to be a Superhero.
Naturally, I’ll have a Cape. The rare opportunity to wear something goofy without looking inappropriate will not be missed. Tights, masks - we see those all the time. So Last Issue. But a Cape, that’s an outfit. Whenever and wherever I leave, my Cape will flow gracefully behind me like a brief reminder of where I was.
These will be my SuperPowers:
1. I will be able...
“Do not have an opinion while you listen because frankly, your opinion doesn’t hold much water outside of Your Universe. Just listen. Listen until their brain has been twisted like a dripping towel and what they have to say is all over the floor.”
― Hugh Elliott
BEES
It wasn’t John, it wasn’t her frustration with her life, it was the bees. She hadn’t found the hidden nest and now, everywhere she turned, was a bee. They seemed to meander aimlessly around the kitchen, not logically sticking to food. She would open the cabinet under the sink for Comet and there was a bee. She’d open a box of cereal and out would fly a bee like a small toy surprise. Once she...
SPURS
“I’ve got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle…”
That was the only line she knew, so she assumed spurs were charm bracelets. She watched her mother stand in front of her dresser and lift the top of her satin jewelry box. First were earrings, giant beaded clip-ons, then one of her watches and finally her spurs. Her mother would lift her hands in the air as if donning surgical gloves, shaking...
WONDER BOY
I remember when my father told me Indians called it a “Giant Bird”. Even though I was only six, I still smelled a whiff of TontoSpeak about that tidbit. Giant Bird? Oh brother. That was the thing about my father, even when he was feeding you a party line he was so damned earnest. It’s one thing we shared, except with me, when I’m earnest it sounds like I’m feeding you...
ROAD
There’s something you’re hiding I don’t need to see,
There’s something you’ve chosen I never will be.
But I want to know,
I want to feel
I want to hold onto me.
I’ve moved on.
Changed and have gone.
Now it’s time
To be free.
There’s something you touch in me I just can’t feel
There’s something that brushes by that isn’t real
But I want to grow
I want to know
what love means.
Right...
WHEN I MET THE JEFFREYS III
When afternoon in the Pines rolled around, a social hour called Tea was held every day in the bar overlooking the harbor and boat dock. This building was part of a complex that served as the resort’s town center and contained all the commercial businesses in the entire community - a grocery store, hardware store, restaurant, gym, a clothing boutique and a large two story building named...
WHEN I MET THE JEFFREYS II
.
When Summer finally arrived, I was filled with mixed emotions. Naturally I was excited and looked forward to being at the beach amid a small nation of eager men. But I was also nervous about my ability to rise to the social challenge alluded to by my housemates. After all, it was the first time I’d taken a share anywhere let alone on a bright stage with a cast of thousands....
When I Met The Jeffreys
When I finally realized I truly lived in New York City, about two years after I actually moved there, I also noticed everyone in the city seemed to vanish in the summer. My gym, normally a beehive of puffed gossiping queens, would be empty, weight machines sitting forlorn and neglected. My neighborhood eatery in the heart of Chelsea was free of weekend lines waiting for tables, even for Sunday...
FACEBLOOK
I appreciate Facebook allowing me to filter my friends so I can have friends who “get my humor” and those who don’t. However it doesn’t work both ways and those who don’t “get me” often have posts on my wall.
Unable to discern who is who, I often reflectively answer whatever is on my addled, acerbic mind to anyone. So my friends who tend to view the...
PSYCHO KILLER
I have Tourettes humor.
By which I mean that no matter what the subject, I often immediately go to the Dark Place. This trait is non-prejudiced. Be it any subject - feminist, gay, conservative, liberal, religious, etc. - I will immediately scan and focus on a mock-worthy point.
Fortunately, and unlike actual Tourettes, I have some small ability to control myself. I will look to the source or...
WHEN THE CAT LEAVES THE BAG
My mother.
When I told my mother I was gay, I did it the good old fashioned way. I told her via a letter I wrote during a “self-help” workshop I took when I moved to San Francisco in 1979. I was 18.
The workshop was called “The Advocate Experience”, named after the infamous gay newspaper/magazine of the same name and was led by David Goodstein who bought and ran...
WHEN I GO LIKE ELSIE
When I lived in New York City, I did all the things one did when you lived in Manhattan. I lived in a small studio walk-up. I went to the gym everyday and several different gyms over the years. I wore a Fauxlex watch I bought in Chinatown which was fifteen dollars but I haggled down to nine. I ate dinner at ten PM, to bars at one AM and home at four when they closed (unless I’d go out...
DISCO SONGS AFTER THERAPY
I would really prefer you, next to me,
In close proximity, to give me your advice,
For affection, and also constructive criticism,
Because when I’m uncertain of my actions,
I’m unfortunately not very reliable.
(Last Dance, Donna Summers)
DISCO SONGS AFTER THERAPY
My Mother told me you’re manipulating my emotions.
She also said that your actions towards me are
Regrettable.
However, I still hold feelings for you.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t fully comprehend the situation.
(Shame, Evelyn Champagne King)
DISCO SONGS AFTER THERAPY
Initially, I was tentative, I was horribly scared,
After thinking, I questioned how I’d continue my present status if you weren’t near me,
But then, after time passed, I questioned what you brought to the situation,
And I became more confident, and regained my ability to function without you.
(I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor)
tim burton : so...
johnny depp : yes
tim burton : ?
johnny depp : .
tim burton : .
ANGELS
Years ago, Polly and I were having breakfast at The Belmont when a man entered and sat a few tables away against the banquette facing us. He had on a Motley Crue t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, full beard, sunglasses, a Big Black Hat, one hand wrapped in bandages and studded cowboy boots. Between them all, the only part of his face I could see was the tip of his nose. Rock Star Bordering on...
WHEN I SAID NO TO SEX
When I lived in New York City, one of the (many) jobs I had was managing a designer clothing boutique in the heart of Soho. At that time, Soho was an area in flux. Though there were still a few galleries in the neighborhood, it had left behind it’s designation as a bohemian enclave for artists. I knew one artist who still lived there, granted my friend was an internationally acclaimed...
HISTORY
I feel like naming names and taking no prisoners. I feel like writing down exactly what I know and fuck you if there are consequences. If your “feelings” are hurt, if you have a different version of “what happened”.
This is my story, I am the Queen of the Swans in this world. You mean nothing.
I feel like pouring the blood boiling inside me and I hope it runs over...
Apparently my last stupid post about “My Joke” was so offensive that 4 people immediately unfollowed me.
Which, you know, your momma.
MY JOKE
A monkey walks into a bar.
“What can I get you?” asks the bartender.
“A banana daiquiri.”
“Really? That’s kind of expected.”
“Who are you? My mother?”
“That’s not what she said last night.”
“Last night she said you were a failure and need a real job.”
The monkey finished his daiquiri and left.
Now that Anderson Cooper is BFFs with Andy Cohen, does anyone really still doubt he is gay?
The only question I have is ACooper is A-gay and ACohen is B-gay so that’s weird. Maybe Gay Class Systems (GCS®) have changed since I was a contestant in that scene. Socialism, we haz it.